Help Me-I Have An Addiction!

Learning how to Feng shui in a jiffy was something that came naturally to me. It’s just learning how to stop, you see, where I have a problem. That’s the first step, right? Just admitting to you, good people, that I have a tiny, itty bitty problem? It all started innocently enough. We had just moved and wanted to make our house a home. I was kind of bored and thought it might be fun to learn to Feng shui so I went to straight to Books A Billion. There, I picked up this “how to” book on the “Art of Feng Shui.” The first week, I added 88 new ferns (along with one or two more interesting plants;). I became so obsessed with “water features” you would have thought I was an eight time Olympic Gold Medalis Swimmer. By the second week, I had pushed my California King Bed down the hall and onto the upstairs landing to get it away from my bedroom’s skylight which was stealing my “good karma.” I had turned every piece of furniture on an angle and had mirrors reflecting everything from my stove top to my roof top. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy from lack of sleep. My hands were beginning to shake. By the end of the month, I had a 3 story “Mermaids Peeing” fountain mounted in my front yard. The neighbors were beginning to talk and things were getting ugly-especially when one nosey neighbor, Mrs. Hendricks, caught me adding a rock garden in her bathroom in the middle of the night. The next day, my neighbors called an intervention. “Can’t you see what you are doing to our community? We don’t want a swimming pool at the end of our Cul de Sac!”

It was with great reluctance that I began attending “Feng shui Anonymous Meetings” on Monday nights. My mentor suggested that I give up the Feng shui in favor of another hobby. So I took up drinking.