Jessica de la Davies

Jessica de la Davies


Secret Crazed Stalker Chicks and One Hot Mess!

So, I’m trying to post a MySpace comment for my favorite band, Cheap Trick. After I get done thinking about what I’m going to write to Robin Zander…hmm. I have to think about what I am going to write to him because I don’t want to be perceived as an UBER fan since I’m just complimenting music. Or worse, I tell the band how great I think they are and the band thinks I'm some crazed stalker chick. Speaking of crazed stalker chicks, I was watching this show on TV (FYI-I’m home with the flu-not some lazy coach potato;) called "The Secret Lives of Women." I read the word “Secret”, grabbed my Tylenol and I was tuned in. The subject de jour, you ask? YES: Crazed Stalkers Chicks!!!! Okay the TV show may have used the word “women” instead of chicks and I’m not sure about the use of the word “crazed” either but screw it-who cares. The point is, I am watching this show. On this show, these “allegedly” crazed stalker chicks all did NOT think they were real stalkers. The first crazed stalker chick-let’s call her “Hot Mess”-not her real name-was a TEACHER. Wait. It gets better. She teaches "Ethics 101" at her local college. The only way this could get any better is if Hot Mess was a police woman. Anyway, although she is a convicted stalker, Hot Mess, did not think that what she did-following one of her poor male students everywhere he went-was really stalking him. “I was just keeping track of him,” Hot Mess says. Pretty funny right? Unless, of course, one of these nut jobs is chasing you around the block with a butcher knife in one hand and a camera in the other. Oh, I'm way off track... So anyway back to my question which is: Why when I get a “letter puzzle” to solve so that I can prove to MySpace I am not a computer (DUH) and I screw up the puzzle…then why does MySpace give me an even harder one to solve? If I was too slow to get the first one right due to a bit of “Night Time, Coughing, Aching, Sniffling, Hurry Up And Get Back To Work” Night Time Medicine, what makes MySpace think I’ll get the harder one right?!? Anyway, I see that another episode of The Secret Lives of Women is about to start. This one is titled: Women With Extreme Beliefs. A show about women who have goofed up beliefs? Allegedly…I meant to ask do these women allegedly have goofed
up beliefs. If so, I’m thinking that Hot Mess could be in this episode too. Where did I put the remote?

Help Me-I Have An Addiction!

Learning how to Feng shui in a jiffy was something that came naturally to me. It’s just learning how to stop, you see, where I have a problem. That’s the first step, right? Just admitting to you, good people, that I have a tiny, itty bitty problem? It all started innocently enough. We had just moved and wanted to make our house a home. I was kind of bored and thought it might be fun to learn to Feng shui so I went to straight to Books A Billion. There, I picked up this “how to” book on the “Art of Feng Shui.” The first week, I added 88 new ferns (along with one or two more interesting plants;). I became so obsessed with “water features” you would have thought I was an eight time Olympic Gold Medalis Swimmer. By the second week, I had pushed my California King Bed down the hall and onto the upstairs landing to get it away from my bedroom’s skylight which was stealing my “good karma.” I had turned every piece of furniture on an angle and had mirrors reflecting everything from my stove top to my roof top. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy from lack of sleep. My hands were beginning to shake. By the end of the month, I had a 3 story “Mermaids Peeing” fountain mounted in my front yard. The neighbors were beginning to talk and things were getting ugly-especially when one nosey neighbor, Mrs. Hendricks, caught me adding a rock garden in her bathroom in the middle of the night. The next day, my neighbors called an intervention. “Can’t you see what you are doing to our community? We don’t want a swimming pool at the end of our Cul de Sac!”
It was with great reluctance that I began attending “Feng shui Anonymous Meetings” on Monday nights. My mentor suggested that I give up the Feng shui in favor of another hobby. So I took up drinking.