tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18782105958087467252024-02-21T08:31:50.016-05:00Jessica de la Davies-AuthorMeet Jessica de la Davies-Author of "Slippery When Wet!"-a CHEEKY title for a SAUCY book. My hobby is lint!Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-6030618502622255162012-04-05T20:26:00.000-04:002012-04-05T20:26:18.466-04:00Quotes and Poems by Jessica de la DaviesQuotes and Poems by Jessica de la Davies from Twitter<br />
<br />
*Double down on your dreams. Don't just survive: THRIVE.<br />
<br />
*Today's rain produces fields of flowers tomorrow.<br />
<br />
*Faith and Home EMPOWER while fear and sorrow DEVOUR.<br />
<br />
*The art of happiness is finding your joy in the PROCESS rather than the end result.<br />
<br />
*May you be loved, nourished and safe in this and every moment. #StopChildAbuse<br />
<br />
*When in doubt, do the right thing.<br />
<br />
*JOY is nothing more than the habit of smiling until you feel happy.<br />
<br />
*To be loving and forgiving is the secret to a life worth living.<br />
<br />
*Offering HOPE is the best way to warm someone's HEART.<br />
<br />
*Don't let daily stresses weigh you down and you will SOAR.<br />
<br />
*What you IMAGINE will manifest in your life.<br />
<br />
*Look for it. Believe it exists. Feel it. LOVE!<br />
<br />
*The size of your dreams determines the size of your achievements.<br />
<br />
*Look for your BLISS in the process rather than in the end result.<br />
<br />
*Embrace the positive IMPACT you can have on another's life.<br />
<br />
*Bless another by sharing your SMILE.<br />
<br />
*Look and look and look again for the opportunities to sow seeds of JOY.<br />
<br />
*The choices you make today determine your tomorrows.<br />
<br />
*LOVE: You sow. You wait. You reap.<br />
<br />
*Remove the yoke of negativity from your neck and live your BEST life with gladness in your heart.<br />
<br />
*It is impossible to be too JOYOUS in life.<br />
<br />
*Negative people demote you. Positive people promote you.<br />
<br />
*Seeds of JOY must be tended with CARE.<br />
<br />
*Loss is the best cure for unkindness. Remove yourself.<br />
<br />
*You become more like those you spend time with so choose friends with care.<br />
<br />
*Your spirit shines more brightly than a thousand suns. #Manny<br />
<br />
*May you be living in PEACE at this moment.<br />
<br />
*INSPIRE others by nurturing your dreams.<br />
<br />
*FREE your inner FABULOUS.<br />
<br />
*Stand firm in your truth. #ChildAbuseSurvivors<br />
<br />
*Life in JOY and you will attract like-minded people.<br />
<br />
*Don't let daily stresses weigh you down so you can SOAR.<br />
<br />
*Your life choices reflect who you are now and forever so choose wisely.<br />
<br />
*Building a happy life doesn't have to be one huge step. It can be a series of small steps in the right direction.<br />
<br />
*The highest form of communication is LOVE.<br />
<br />
*Surround yourself with friends who love and care, friends who hope and share, with friends who will always be there. #Randy&DebShannon<br />
<br />
*Life can change forever in a moment. Live your BEST life in HOPE & JOY.<br />
<br />
*Look for your bliss in the process rather than in the end result-the art of living!<br />
<br />
*Those who look for JOY each day find JOY.<br />
<br />
*Reflect on the moments of JOY you have given another. Let this reflection be YOUR moment.<br />
<br />
*There is no anti-depressant more powerful than a few kind words. #Maggie&Sunrise<br />
<br />
*May you be hopeful and loved in this moment.<br />
<br />
*If JOY is our wings then hope is our wind.<br />
<br />
*As you grow older, life slowing to a crawl. I will carry your memories for you, when you can no longer remember at all. #GrandmaLove<br />
<br />
*SMILE often. This way your wrinkles will all be in the right places. :))<br />
<br />
*Your KINDNESS warms me like sunshine.<br />
<br />
*To enrich another's day, that is the highest blessing. #AuntElaine<br />
<br />
*When we bring JOY into the lives of others, we are uplifted ourselves.<br />
<br />
*May the SUN shine brightly upon you.<br />
<br />
*May both your body and soul be nourished in this moment.<br />
<br />
*Be joyful and have a happy mind. Share your joy and INSPIRE all mankind.<br />
<br />
*Measure one's heart by the care they put into their deeds.<br />
<br />
*The most wonderful moments on earth can only be felt by your heart.<br />
<br />
*May YOU be encouraged, blessed and at peace now and always.<br />
<br />
*JOYOUS moments are miracles moments. Embrace your best life now.<br />
<br />
*Don't waiver. Live in JOY and FAITH.<br />
<br />
*Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Do it anyway!<br />
<br />
*I am sorry and I love you. #LisaQ<br />
<br />
*Inspire others by living your best life out loud.<br />
<br />
*You are alive. As long as the sun and the earth exist, YOU have a chance to be happy. #Manny<br />
<br />
*To live in JOY is a life well lived.<br />
<br />
*Live in JOY and you will attract like minded people.<br />
<br />
*Let the exquisite beauty of this moment INSPIRE you to be AMAZING.<br />
<br />
*Grasp the impact and miracles that your positive influence produces in others.<br />
<br />
*The 4 Ingredients To A Rich Life: Hope + Joy + Love + Peace.<br />
<br />
*By sharing your JOY, you plant seeds of happiness in others.<br />
<br />
*You deserve to live in JOY. #StopChildAbuse<br />
<br />
*Joy is any good thing God sends into your life.<br />
<br />
*Joy is to the HEART as hope is to the HEAD.<br />
<br />
*Movement creates positive change in one's mind, body and spirit.<br />
<br />
*Exercise is medicine for your body and brain. #DementiaCare<br />
<br />
*Joy without compassion is like love without hope.<br />
<br />
*Remember all you are grateful for. Share a caring word. Do an act of kindness. Feel JOY!<br />
<br />
*Simple pleasures are often undervalued because they don't cost anything.<br />
<br />
*Don't be yourself. Be someone more joyful.<br />
<br />
*Practice your JOY just as your practice your FAITH and you will be happy.<br />
<br />
*Gratitude + Love = JOY<br />
<br />
*Joy is the experience the richness of life in the company of loving people. #Marge andRayNelson<br />
<br />
*Like a garden, your joy must be tended daily.<br />
<br />
*JOY without acts of kindness is like FAITH without hope.<br />
<br />
*Ballet is music for your eyes.<br />
<br />
*Where the past melds with the present, time is measured in moments. I will meet you there. #Alzheimer'sCare<br />
<br />
*Sometimes you must be your own knight in shimmering armor and rescue yourself. #SurvivingChildAbuse<br />
<br />
*Hush, that you may hear my heart's whisper. You are precious. You are love. #Manny<br />
<br />
*The bridge between Heaven and Earth is the love in your heart.<br />
<br />
*When the moon rises, lighting up the sky. I dream of you as time streams by. #Manny<br />
<br />
*Joy is gratitude for your past. Faith for your future and satisfaction in this day.<br />
<br />
*JOY doesn't come from what you choose to buy. Joy comes from who you choose to be.<br />
<br />
*We are all ONE.<br />
<br />
*STARS shimmer most brilliantly against inky skies. SHINE!<br />
<br />
*Each day brings a fresh start. Forgive, love and relish this day.<br />
<br />
*Clouds blanket the skies, the darkness reigns again. Still our moon glimmers hopefully as tears fall like rain. #StopChildhoodAbuse<br />
<br />
*When darkness seeps in, leaving me unable to see. I dream of Perry, Heather and Lisa. Will you remember me? #Iloveyou<br />
<br />
by Jessica de la Davies and if you choose to use these quotes please credit the author.<br />
<br />
Copy Right 2012Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-48132853619272178102012-04-05T19:26:00.002-04:002012-04-05T19:34:04.452-04:00Uplifting Quotes by Jessica de la Davies<b>Life Enhancing Quotes by Jessica de la Davies<br />
</b><br />
*The true beauty of love is who you become while you are sharing it.<br />
<br />
<br />
*A true friend loves you even more when life gets tough.<br />
<br />
<br />
*CARE is demonstrated by BOTH what one does and does not do.<br />
<br />
<br />
*We don't find our JOY day to day nor even hour to hour. We find it moment to moment.<br />
#Alzheimer'sCare<br />
<br />
*Unleash your enthusiasm and achieve your dreams.<br />
<br />
<br />
*We all need hope along our chose way. If you have some to offer, by all means say!<br />
<br />
<br />
*Where words leave off, hugs begin. #hugsheal<br />
<br />
<br />
*Hope is the promise of someday. While love is the promise of eternity.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Someday is the most HOPEFUL day of the week.<br />
<br />
<br />
*As you would dive into the ocean, dive into your hopes and dreams.<br />
<br />
<br />
*We are all children of the same God. #StopChildAbuse<br />
<br />
<br />
*Blanket the world in love like a summer's morning dew.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Laughter is a universal language.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Platinum Rule: Tweet others as you would have others tweet you. #Twitter<br />
<br />
<br />
*Be a miracle. Be a force. Be powerful. Be LOVE!<br />
<br />
<br />
*Listen with your heart. Speak with your actions.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Release your inner amazing.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Friends brighten our darkest days as stars brighten our darkest nights.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Kindness in the face of cruelty makes the human race unpredictable.<br />
<br />
<br />
*A caring heart is worth more than riches.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Anger and Forgiveness seldom agree.<br />
<br />
<br />
*The time to love is now. The one to love is ALL. The place to love is here, there and everywhere.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Words like wistfully and sublime are penned by poets into prose and rhyme. As night gives way to dawn, life gives way to time.<br />
<br />
<br />
*A warm HUG cost nothing yet means everything.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Let your attitude by gratitude.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Gratitude is my daily attitude.<br />
<br />
<br />
*You fill my heart with song and I promise to love you my whole life long.<br />
*Offering a hug to a friend who is feeling blue will make them feel happier through and through.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Your smile can make one's day worthwhile.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Not everyone will select the same path. Still you must move forward on your life's journey.<br />
<br />
<br />
*The moon gleams more beautifully when you appear.<br />
<br />
<br />
*When I dream, you are always with me. I love you. #Manny<br />
<br />
<br />
*Stars sparkle most brilliantly on the darkest nights.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Free yourself of others' expectations and tether yourself to YOUR dreams.<br />
<br />
<br />
*PEACE: Strive to forgive and live.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Answers that mean nothing. I cannot go back. I cannot go forward...chasing the tail of this snake. #ChildhoodSexualAbuse<br />
<br />
<br />
*Nourish your spirit daily with hope, joy and love.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Nurture dreams in others by praising them to SUCCESS.<br />
<br />
<br />
*May your actions reflect the beauty of your SPIRIT.<br />
<br />
<br />
*HOPE is your lighthouse, beckoning you through stormy seas.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Love radiates from your heart like light from a star.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Time is your most precious currency. Spend it wisely.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Joy and love are the seeds to your future.<br />
<br />
<br />
*The key to your future is nestled in your hopes and dreams.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Joy and Hope and Love and Peace equal a rich life.<br />
<br />
<br />
*If your path is not taking your toward happiness, then blaze a new trail.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Be mindful of what you tell yourself as you will come to believe it.<br />
<br />
<br />
*Move toward EXTRAORDINARY people.<br />
<br />
*Dream big. Time, passion and energy will produce what money will not.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>All quotes are the property of Jessica de la Davies.</b>Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-80388871963056772262011-08-27T19:25:00.000-04:002011-08-27T19:25:59.591-04:00Tattoos, Summer Camp and Kat Von D<b>Tattoos, Summer Camps and Kat Von D<i><a href="http://www.CreateSpace.com/3430942"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1lhNUcM_cB4LGKz7YTEhfwqJBNW7Pb07jUWcjNiNiev-BB9BuZNRUu1WfdiqFNLMmFPsgJcZ0OuJm_SOam3-d-DlZkM-y6nknC9FF0fGGrrVR3PFrCyoiAKVv2J1S6jbBjEIt0tQJrO-x/s1600/Me+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="127" width="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1lhNUcM_cB4LGKz7YTEhfwqJBNW7Pb07jUWcjNiNiev-BB9BuZNRUu1WfdiqFNLMmFPsgJcZ0OuJm_SOam3-d-DlZkM-y6nknC9FF0fGGrrVR3PFrCyoiAKVv2J1S6jbBjEIt0tQJrO-x/s200/Me+2.jpg" /></a></div>
</a></i></b>
My oldest child, Chris, is going away to a sleep away summer camp for an entire month. I want to have Kat Von D tattoo the words, “Handle With Care” on his forehead, but Chris won’t even consider it even though I offered to pay for the tattoo!
I feel sad as Chris packs his sleeping bag, his flannel shirts, his favorite baseball cap, our flat screen TV, our family computer, the contents of the pantry and all of the bath towels. I think he left one for me and one for Mark…my thoughtful young man.
I am crying a little as Chris loads everything into the back of the car. As I hug him goodbye, he mumbles something about needing money. I hand him my wallet. It is a special moment between a mother and her eldest son.
As Chris drives away with his friends to the airport, I try to put into words what I am thinking. Instead, I snort out through my tears, “Don’t forget to use your deodorant. Floss only the teeth you want to keep. Comb your hair at least once a week. I love you!”
I blow him kisses as the van pulls away. Chris is pretending not to know me.
I am stressing out as there is so much Chris doesn’t know about yet. I still have so much to share with him.
Chris needs to know that for every mountain he climbs, there is a reward of a GREAT view at the top. He needs to learn how to find his laundry hamper with his socks. I need to teach Chris to avoid fake people and never to believe people when they ask him to be honest with them.
Most of all, I want to teach Chris to text his mother once in a while.
Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-67251442069033026032011-08-20T15:54:00.000-04:002011-08-20T15:54:07.276-04:00Jessica de la Davies-Author: It's A Lie!<a href="http://jessicadeladavies.blogspot.com/2011/08/its-lie.html">Jessica de la Davies-Author: It's A Lie!</a>Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-32190504531176252962011-08-20T15:52:00.002-04:002011-08-20T15:52:28.842-04:00It's A Lie!IT’S A LIE!
The American Dream is all a lie. It comes down to one simple thing: HOW MUCH HAPPINESS CAN YOU FINANCE?
The innocence of embarking to your local mall with a brand new “interest free” credit card gives you this feeling. You know that feeling of elation that you feel when you find a public toilet without urine dotting the seat? Or when your cell phone call goes through on the first try?
OMG, it’s probably a lot like the way Adam and Eve felt day tripping through the Garden of Eden.
Anyway this “interest free” card is magical and you must never, ever leave home without it.
Over the past year, many Americans have found that the “meaning of life” actually includes-though not limited to- food and being able to afford some. This winter, one 92 year old man froze to death because he didn’t pay his electric bill and the electric company turned it off his heat.
If the American dream is a lie, then exactly how much happiness can you continue to finance?
Maybe we can all live on love instead? There was this great songwriter- he’s no longer with us-but his words still stand strong. John Lennon wrote that “love is all you need.”
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEaE8AO6Q_iitVRKD2frasuD_8S2K4qwvzyt1Ms30S0W05im-Nh1mTTZvGqdmypywZBRJjsSdl0OtCF9JAA46sGB9wRKZ2nKSwKdVELi_MNSwLcAaAoZ2BXbSgCcEM_GQQj5EGzRYYL3Hs/s1600/28942_117145101662459_100001009087805_98389_5781104_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEaE8AO6Q_iitVRKD2frasuD_8S2K4qwvzyt1Ms30S0W05im-Nh1mTTZvGqdmypywZBRJjsSdl0OtCF9JAA46sGB9wRKZ2nKSwKdVELi_MNSwLcAaAoZ2BXbSgCcEM_GQQj5EGzRYYL3Hs/s320/28942_117145101662459_100001009087805_98389_5781104_n.jpg" /></a></div>
Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-3985292545614530362011-07-17T16:33:00.000-04:002011-07-17T16:33:20.235-04:00Secret Crazed Stalker Chicks and One Hot Mess!So, I’m trying to post a MySpace comment for my favorite band, Cheap Trick. After I get done thinking about what I’m going to write to Robin Zander…hmm.
I have to think about what I am going to write to him because I don’t want to be perceived as an UBER fan since I’m just complimenting music. Or worse, I tell the band how great I think they are and the band thinks I'm some crazed stalker chick.
Speaking of crazed stalker chicks, I was watching this show on TV (FYI-I’m home with the flu-not some lazy coach potato;) called "The Secret Lives of Women." I read the word “Secret”, grabbed my Tylenol and I was tuned in. The subject de jour, you ask? YES: Crazed Stalkers Chicks!!!! Okay the TV show may have used the word “women” instead of chicks and I’m not sure about the use of the word “crazed” either but screw it-who cares. The point is, I am watching this show.
On this show, these “allegedly” crazed stalker chicks all did NOT think they were real stalkers. The first crazed stalker chick-let’s call her “Hot Mess”-not her real name-was a TEACHER. Wait. It gets better. She teaches "Ethics 101" at her local college. The only way this could get any better is if Hot Mess was a police woman.
Anyway, although she is a convicted stalker, Hot Mess, did not think that what she did-<i>following one of her poor male students everywhere he went</i>-was really stalking him.
“I was just keeping track of him,” Hot Mess says.
Pretty funny right? Unless, of course, one of these nut jobs is chasing you around the block with a butcher knife in one hand and a camera in the other.
Oh, I'm way off track...
So anyway back to my question which is: Why when I get a “letter puzzle” to solve so that I can prove to MySpace I am not a computer (DUH) and I screw up the puzzle…then why does MySpace give me an even harder one to solve?
If I was too slow to get the first one right due to a bit of “Night Time, Coughing, Aching, Sniffling, Hurry Up And Get Back To Work” Night Time Medicine, what makes MySpace think I’ll get the harder one right?!?
Anyway, I see that another episode of The Secret Lives of Women is about to start. This one is titled: Women With Extreme Beliefs.
A show about women who have goofed up beliefs?
Allegedly…I meant to ask do these women allegedly have goofed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3yrbKs5_LcloQB-Y4u8o-ZdxpK5-vtw3T-MkSf6bTVVwYGS-BO_TL4nYc51zNRrVvEreLyiVUKObsNVFJeizFihrCm30IfrFtZeVQMobd-JK21fL41EGJ5DmTtAlDag8cnKr_QDeyEMWQ/s1600/Chilling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="127" width="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3yrbKs5_LcloQB-Y4u8o-ZdxpK5-vtw3T-MkSf6bTVVwYGS-BO_TL4nYc51zNRrVvEreLyiVUKObsNVFJeizFihrCm30IfrFtZeVQMobd-JK21fL41EGJ5DmTtAlDag8cnKr_QDeyEMWQ/s320/Chilling.jpg" /></a></div>
up beliefs. If so, I’m thinking that Hot Mess could be in this episode too.
Where did I put the remote?Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-39506452868766977692011-07-17T16:12:00.000-04:002011-07-17T16:12:25.711-04:00Help Me-I Have An Addiction!Learning how to Feng shui in a jiffy was something that came naturally to me. It’s just learning how to stop, you see, where I have a problem. That’s the first step, right? Just admitting to you, good people, that I have a tiny, itty bitty problem?
It all started innocently enough. We had just moved and wanted to make our house a home. I was kind of bored and thought it might be fun to learn to Feng shui so I went to straight to Books A Billion. There, I picked up this “how to” book on the “Art of Feng Shui.”
The first week, I added 88 new ferns (along with one or two more interesting plants;). I became so obsessed with “water features” you would have thought I was an eight time Olympic Gold Medalis Swimmer.
By the second week, I had pushed my California King Bed down the hall and onto the upstairs landing to get it away from my bedroom’s skylight which was stealing my “good karma.” I had turned every piece of furniture on an angle and had mirrors reflecting everything from my stove top to my roof top. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy from lack of sleep. My hands were beginning to shake.
By the end of the month, I had a 3 story “Mermaids Peeing” fountain mounted in my front yard. The neighbors were beginning to talk and things were getting ugly-especially when one nosey neighbor, Mrs. Hendricks, caught me adding a rock garden in her bathroom in the middle of the night.
The next day, my neighbors called an intervention. “Can’t you see what you are doing to our community? We don’t want a swimming pool at the end of our Cul de Sac!”
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVUOmVlWLMsb2-YZqSszSl4_eCbLi6IlWW1xnQ09d_BZizXSUSv-SsxgyN4562Ad5Mx-RW8aUfrILgkmuXPmX_fJH8JRXRsp6A7xULnhBpuS27ArahGdLMMh8Xvb9r13yAxXuy7vV6fFeO/s1600/New+Year%2527s+Toast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="127" width="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVUOmVlWLMsb2-YZqSszSl4_eCbLi6IlWW1xnQ09d_BZizXSUSv-SsxgyN4562Ad5Mx-RW8aUfrILgkmuXPmX_fJH8JRXRsp6A7xULnhBpuS27ArahGdLMMh8Xvb9r13yAxXuy7vV6fFeO/s320/New+Year%2527s+Toast.jpg" /></a></div>
It was with great reluctance that I began attending “Feng shui Anonymous Meetings” on Monday nights. My mentor suggested that I give up the Feng shui in favor of another hobby.
So I took up drinking.Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-10188368681530977352011-01-20T17:19:00.000-05:002011-01-20T17:19:58.856-05:00To Answer Or Not To Answer...That Is The QuestionTO ANSWER OR NOT TO ANSWER...THAT IS THE QUESTION<br />
<br />
<br />
The phone is ringing as I am heading out the door to work. I see the name on the caller I.D. and sigh.<br />
<br />
It is my EX sister-in-law. My ex husband's bossy, dominating, "no one is good enough for my little brother” ex sister in law, Muffy.<br />
<br />
I could have sworn that my ex husband got custody of Muffy's annoying phone calls in the divorce! What kind of a name is Muffy anyway-it sounds like one of those little dogs that shakes and pisses everywhere...anyway I'm getting off track...where was I?<br />
<br />
Oh right! Muffy is now shouting into my answering machine. “Jessica, I know you’re home. Can you pick up the phone please?”<br />
<br />
How in the world does Muffy know I am home? <br />
<br />
Maybe I am out grocery shopping or running errands.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'm caught in a fender bender while on my way home from Sven's yoga class this morning.<br />
<br />
Maybe I am at this very moment having an illicit affair with our UPS man and I am terribly busy being deflowered in the back of a large brown truck.<br />
<br />
"Jessica? Can you please pick up the phone?" <br />
<br />
I pick up the phone...she did say please.Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-45495068656552733022011-01-20T17:12:00.000-05:002011-01-20T17:12:57.590-05:00The Wizard of Oz, Martha Stewart & Family by Jessica de la DaviesWhen it comes time to selling our house, I click my heels together 3 times and turn into Martha Stewart. I race around in my preppy shirt and apron organizing and labeling my closets, decluttering the house and Swiffering the floors within an inch of their lives. I plant Wisteria along the front walk way, fold the toilet paper into nifty points, create a fire hazard in the foyer with Glade scented candles and cover the dust on the coffee table with great coffee table books (like Slippery When Wet!-shameless plug ;). I would sum myself up at this point as: INSANE.<br />
<br />
When my sanity returns, I find every bath towel in our home is rolled up into logs, unused soaps adorn our sinks, tubs and shower and a lovely bottle of White Star Champagne sits beside 2 fluted glasses next to my soaking tub. In short, my home makes me look like a lush who doesn't use soap!<br />
<br />
I have fake fruit in a bowl on the kitchen counter, fake plants on top of every available surface and my bed has disappeared under a pile of oversize pillows. <br />
<br />
When buyers come through to view our home, the glass tables sparkle, the linens are ironed and the Pillsbury Dough Boy is snoring peacefully on top of freshly backed rolls next to the oven.<br />
<br />
When my boys come home from the mall, Mark exclaims, "Mom, can we live here?"<br />
<br />
The house sells quickly and I begin packing. I call this "Operation Shock and Awe!" I wrap everything we own in newspaper and stack it into boxes. Soon, I have created a fantastic maze through our home. My boys set about selling tickets to the maze to the neighbors' children to pay for the pizzas we are now eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBCOWWZBbitoDoYJbK2xmSX1b2d01KPcv6Wcltvp_w8zHiJT9867izXDX74sr6hEr-tH5M4wmZUm8CULOj02d3Kr8BQ5sZVAC-9FVfsmbNRwHENGghHXZCXEFo4v3BM05-BzpMHEMnw2Y0/s1600/19131_1282974726669_1599142900_30683887_4776986_s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" s5="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBCOWWZBbitoDoYJbK2xmSX1b2d01KPcv6Wcltvp_w8zHiJT9867izXDX74sr6hEr-tH5M4wmZUm8CULOj02d3Kr8BQ5sZVAC-9FVfsmbNRwHENGghHXZCXEFo4v3BM05-BzpMHEMnw2Y0/s1600/19131_1282974726669_1599142900_30683887_4776986_s.jpg" /></a></div>A week later, our truck is loaded and we are rolling to our new home. Another week of pizza later and we are beginning to feel at home. The towels are no longer rolled into logs and are where they belong-on the bathroom floor in a heap. The soaps are falling apart and I'm loopy on White Star Champagne. It's 10:00pm on a Friday night and I'm tracing into the dust on our coffee table: There's no place like home.Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1878210595808746725.post-44442861962103756562011-01-20T16:24:00.000-05:002011-01-20T16:24:01.898-05:00A Sneak Peek from "Slippery When Wet!"-by Jessica de la Davies<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Live Like No One Else So Later You Can Afford To Live Like No One Else!</span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">by Jessica de la Davies</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">At least that’s what Fox’s financial guru, Dave Ramsay, is always advising us to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like Dave Ramsay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knows how to make a recession fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s got Americans lined up to cut up their credit cards in new and dramatic fashions like chopping them in the kitchen with their new “Chop Chopper”-only $19.95 plus $5.95 for shipping and handling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks to Dave, we’re now hanging up on our debt collectors in record numbers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Why do you need credit?” questions Dave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Live like no one else so later you can afford to live like no one else,” is Dave’s motto.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Most of my friends are talking about the recession in terms of gas prices and what kind of vacation they can’t afford to take this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of them are turning to “at home” vacations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are vacations where you don’t leave home with or without “IT”!</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I personally like the concept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more packing all my clothing into my wallet to avoid the airlines’ charging me extra if I want to take a suitcase with some clothes to wear with me to Belize.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more waiting in line in my bare feet only to have my underwire push up bra set off the alarm at the security gate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more cavity searches for pipe bombs done behind a sheet that some random passenger is holding up at my request while an enormous sweaty woman with bad breath molests me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Just when was the last time an American thirty-something woman set off a bomb on an airplane?” I ask, as sweaty woman tells me to bend over.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh we don’t do profiling, Ma’am,” she replies, snapping off her rubber gloves and waving me toward the gate, where a hostile looking flight attendant is waiting to cram me into my seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This whole at home vacation thing is sounding pretty good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I Google “at home vacation ideas” and come up with some interesting options.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I choose the “Make Your At Home Vacation Like A Cruise” option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, I rename my home the “Freebies By The Sea” ship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My kitchen is stocked with prepared meals from the grocery store and is now “The Grand Dining Room.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I rent some movies from Blockbuster and turn my living room into “The Show Lounge” and decide to make it non-smoking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I buy a deck of cards and scatter them around my bedroom to create the “Shipboard Casino Royale.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I drag my mattress into my walk-in closet and tape “Cabin 9067” onto the outside of the closet door to simulate a real cabin cruise ship experience. </span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I decide to splurge and buy a baby pool for the backyard and a few bottles of wine. </span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The first day of my “cruise”, I put on my bikini and head over to the pool to work on my tan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I’m lying in the backyard, I notice a few weeds in the grass. I decide that I’ll go ahead and pull them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Four hours later, I’m fertilizing the yard and clipping the hedges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Later that evening, I head into “The Grand Dining Room” aka my kitchen and reorganized the pantry while drinking a glass of wine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I opened a can of Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup and pop it into the microwave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I make my way into “The Show Lounge” to watch one of my rental movies, I noticed that there are cobwebs on my TV so I get out my Swiffer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I Swiffer the TV, mop all the floors and moisturize my leather sofa, loveseat and recliner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, I head into “Cabin 9067” aka my closet and fall right to sleep next to my shoe rack.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The second day, I decide that “Freebies By The Sea” is in port and I am going on a shore excursion to do some sightseeing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I walk around the block and check out my neighbors’ houses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mrs. Hendricks is standing in her front yard, watering her lawn and she asks me if I would mind helping her move a dresser from her garage into her guest bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I help her and have to cut my shore excursion short as I have pulled my back out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I head back to “Freebies By The Sea” and soak my aching back in the baby pool. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wake up 6 hours later only to realize that I have not applied sunscreen-I’m burned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">On the third day of my at home vacation, my cousin calls and asks if I can watch her 4 year old son, Clive, for a few hours as she is going to get her hair done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My cousin arrives 10 minutes later and unloads Clive, a laundry basket of toys and a McDonald’s Happy Meal. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During the next 7 hours, I become an expert on Clive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, Clive can run his dump truck into the base of my coffee table 83 times in just one hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He also enjoys throwing handfuls of dirt into the toilet bowl and flushing the dirt to “make it disappear.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clive can also blow into his McDonald’s Happy Meal cola drink through his straw to make bubbles to “decorate the kitchen table.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has a pretty good vocabulary but he does not seem to understand four basic words: Do not do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The plumbing bill from the dirt in the toilet set me back $225.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When the plumber leaves, I crawl back into my closet-I mean cabin and put my head down on top of my Jimmy Choos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow this at home vacation just isn’t as relaxing as I thought it would be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So on my fourth day aboard the “Freebies By The Sea” I call Delta and book a flight to Cancun for a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pack up my wallet with everything it can carry, pull 3 dresses on over two swimsuits so I will have something to wear on my trip and head for the airport.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not wearing a bra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The booking agent stares at me silently as I tape my credit card back together with duct tape at the counter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He hands me my ticket and points toward the security check point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I take off my shoes and get in line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I feel hopeful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe with a little luck, I’ll have just enough room on my credit card for a Pina Colada…or two!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Andy; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Jessica de la Davieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02958795059665899212noreply@blogger.com0